Limericks for 1997
B.B. King was the Pope's Christmas ruse
To lure souls in to fill empty pews
At the show, yonder star
Gave John Paul his guitar ....
But can popes, who are soul guys, play blues?
(December, 1997)
The whole trouble with Christmas is gifts
We have always exchanged them in shifts
Or we'd never keep track
Of what stores should take back
Versus what should go straight to the thrifts!
Even some of the items we keep
Will be sold off at garage sales, cheap
To be bought by folks who'll
Re-donate them next Yule
To provision our next thrift-store heap!
(December, 1997)
Sun Myung Moon with his mind-numbing forces
Led five thousand down blind wedding courses ...
Should they all soon repent
Will his next mass event
Stage their twenty-five hundred divorces?
(November, 1997)
All was quiet, until the McCaugheys
Found a formula perfect for noise:
A fertility pill
Plus a trust in God's will
Equals three extra girls, and four boys!
(November, 1997)
Can we get through one more Thanksgiving?
(*)
There are precious few nuggets, on sieving
How my plate looks so bare
With no turkey to share ...
It's the price of vegetarian living!
(November, 1997)
Of Parliament, Fawkes was no Member
So plotted to kindle an ember ...
That first Bonfire Night
Guy forgot to ignite —
But remembers now every November!
(November, 1997)
We bought Halloween treats from store shelves
To give out, but no trick-or-treat elves
Rang our bell: heavy rain
Kept them home without gain ...
So we ate all the candy ourselves!
(October, 1997)
The World Series ends in Miami
Those Florida Marlins are jammy!
They just squeak to a tie
On a sacrifice fly
But in OT, sock Cleveland a whammy!
(October, 1997)
The trouble with meteorology
Is nowadays blamed on chaology:
Last week, butterfly-wing flaps ...
Today, surprise thunder claps
And weather forecasters' abject apology!
(October, 1997)
There's a phrase that I view quite askance
And would ban, given just half a chance ...
So if asking a favor
Be a gratitude saver —
Don't bug me with "thanks in advance"!
(October, 1997)
October, October, October
That great arboreal disrober
Trees are dressed, lush in hue
Till the wind rustles through
Leaving all of them naked and sober!
(October, 1997)
There's a new word I see, but can't suss
Does one say it like puss, or like fuss?
Tell me, what does "wuss" mean?
Is it dirty or clean?
Is it nasty or nice, or a cuss?
(October, 1997)
In Bologna, how times have a-changed ...
Rock 'n' roll and the Pope aren't estranged
'Cos Bob Dylan played rock
For the men of the frock
At a concert the Pope had arranged!
(September, 1997)
Mosquitoes go forth, multiply
The dog days of August are why
I'll get eaten or fried
If I venture outside ...
So I'm in, with the AC on high!
(August, 1997)
Do the monkeys on Florida's Keys
Overstrip bark from red mangrove trees?
"To find out," thought a judge
"There I'll solemnly trudge" ...
But she sank in mud up to her knees!
(July, 1997)
Jimmy
Stewart: A great actor guy
Mr Smith's the role critics rate high
But I liked him the most
Playing Harvey's good host —
An eccentric ... but then, so am I!
(July, 1997)
There once was a boxer called Tyson
Who, in love or war, wasn't a nice 'un ...
At the Fight of the Year
He bites Holyfield's ear
So hard, it needs surgical splicin'!
(June, 1997)
A crashed Russian spaceship called Mir
Will soon be abandoned, I fear
'Cos each new cosmonaut
Was so hurriedly taught
That there's no one aboard who can steer!
(June, 1997)
The government under John Major
Was so soundly beaten, I'll wager
'Cos the Tories he led
Were too often in bed
Giving tabloids a sleazy front-pager!
(May, 1997)
A Tel Aviv couple must wince
After marrying just four months since
For to nuptials they'd brung
Fully seventeen young
And now they're expecting some quints!
(April, 1997)
A nine-thousand-year-old homesteader
Was so dead, he couldn't be deader ...
Yet they're able to say
From his bones' DNA
That his genes are still rampant in Cheddar!
(March, 1997)
There once was a prof who impressed
Perfect-cloning two sheep in a test
When one stole bags of hay
It left much DNA
But the cops don't know who to arrest!
(February, 1997)
Three Utah men once were emplaned
When their landing-gear fluid all drained
They poured coffee and coke
But the gear remained broke ...
Till they peed, and safe landing attained!
(February, 1997)
A little known woman of Quito
Who swept into power subito
Enjoyed ruling ways
For a couple of days ...
Then was just as subito, finito!
(February, 1997)
A would-be circumnavigator, Branson
Owned jumbojets you'd lose elephants on ...
But he, bein' a loon,
Tried to go by balloon —
And was glad to escape with his pants on!
(January, 1997)
There once was a team, FSU
Whose defense gave UF fifty-two ...
For despite pre-game image
About line of scrimmage
'Twas easy enough to get through!
(January, 1997)
© 1997. All rights reserved.
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