Limericks for 1998
Anonymous corporate donors
Provisioning newborns' new owners
With a lifetime supply
Of kids' diapers piled high
Are a godsend to multiple cloners!
(December, 1998)
Three balloonists, Per, Richard and Steve
Who at globe circling failed to achieve
Mustn't know Santa's sleigh
Calms the winds in its way ...
Or they'd plan not to fly Christmas Eve!
(December, 1998)
An attorney's most privileged client
On perjury charges defiant
Contritely, with pride
Said although he'd not lied
On his word you should not be reliant!
(December, 1998)
Goodbye to the old Scrabble font —
The factory in Fairfax, Vermont
That each day made huge piles
Of those hard maple tiles
Now has C-L-O-S-E-D on't!
(December, 1998)
Thanksgiving makes every November
A time to give thanks and remember ...
Unless you're the tom
That the meat's taken from —
Then already you've reached your December!
(November, 1998)
Can Jesse "the Body" Ventura
Now govern his terra obscura? ...
Opponents may find
He's but half Nelson's mind —
But a whole lot of wrestling bravura!
Said Ventura's main rival in bulk:
Fans, believe me, I ain't one to sulk ...
But forget Minnesota —
Get out there and vote a
New president, Hogan the Hulk!
(November, 1998)
After Tuesday's electoral push
GOP brothers George and Jeb Bush
Have four years to complete
On the governor's seat —
Or the gubernatorial tush!
(November, 1998)
Mused the septuagenarian Glenn:
"Not the Congress, but space was my yen ...
And I hear no one cheer
For my Senate career —
So I'm orbiting Earth once again!"
Through the heavens Discovery zooms
While escorted by witches on brooms
Who've been sent in to chase
It from spooks' private space —
To protect Halloween, one assumes!
Six Discovery crew weren't too keen
When they saw something round, glowing green ...
But 'twas just John Glenn's face —
He was testing how space
Affects old folks around Halloween!
(October, 1998)
As the century draws to its close
Y2K is upstaged by fresh woes:
Nineties folk are perplexed —
Should the decade that's next
Be the Noughties, or simply the Ohs?
(October, 1998)
A Nobel that proves shortage a hoax
Goes to Cambridge's Sen, who did coax
Economical laws
To yield famine's true cause
As not getting the food to the folks!
(October, 1998)
Foreign nationals who find their luck hard
In the lotto to win a green card
May have better success
To forget INS
And sneak in past a night border guard!
(September, 1998)
Farewell to the colorful Florence
Whose speed was unleashed in such torrents
Whom the gods love, die young
Now their ranks she's among
With Di, and Arabia's Lawrence
(September, 1998)
Steve Fossett's balloon locomotion
Had circling the world for a notion ...
He flew night and day
For two thirds of the way
But then fell with a splash in the ocean!
(September, 1998)
Disappointed Naive Attaché's
Deposition: Negation Astray ...
Didn't Neck Anywhere? —
Dress Narrating Affair! ...
Four new ways to decode DNA
(August, 1998)
The illustrious Lighthill, Sir Jim
Pioneered math for how creatures swim
Which he used to swim round
Sark — but, sadly, he drowned
From this circum-natational whim
(July, 1998)
Down in Florida, forest fires thrive
Folks are desperate rain should arrive ...
But there is a bright spot —
Seems the fires are too hot
For the billboards on I-95!
(July, 1998)
The AFI's list of film top uns
Has cop-outs alongside the cop-ins
Who usurped Harvey's slot? ...
Or The Rainmaker's spot? ...
And most of all — where's Mary Poppins?
Though good B movies oft entertain
And the A ones aren't hard to explain
Could the AFI's test
Make two C movies best? ...
Casablanca and Citizen Kane!
(June, 1998)
Arantxa Sanchez Vicario
Wins third French Open scenario
From Monica Seles —
She's tennis's zealous
New queen, and court impresario!
(June, 1998)
Now Afghanistan's recent earth quake
In a cross-border bomb trial's wake
Makes one ask if land slide
And blasts just coincide —
Or if cause and effect are at stake!
(June, 1998)
At a Web site called toastpoint.com
There's a menu to choose first lines from
Add four more of your own —
Whether nice, or off-tone —
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!
(May, 1998)
Just how many times must I tell you?
(*)
Will Jonesboro, Springfield compel you
To see it's a hoax
That guns don't kill folks? ...
Don't buy what the NRA sell you!
(May, 1998)
Just to be is to do, said Rousseau
No, to do is to be — Sartre's mot
Do-be-do-be-do-do
Sang Sinatra, on cue
Do-be-do-be-do-be, and then go!
(May, 1998)
A vet pilot of AirTran renown
Who in Vietnam twice was shot down
Lost his nose cone in hail
But kept cool, without fail
To land safe in a Tennessee town!
(May, 1998)
Information? Reprisals Suppress
Inquisitions Redouble Success
Invade Residence, Seize
Inland Revenue Sleaze ...
Four new ways to define IRS!
(May, 1998)
An elephant paints color scenics
For three grand a canvas in Phoenix
And signs them all too
To earn cash for the Zoo —
So neatly, it's like a machine "X"
(April, 1998)
At Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo
They've removed all bread products from view
Not just humankind droves
Must eat unleavened loaves
But the beasts observe Passover too!
(April, 1998)
Major Hewitt's no longer engaged:
Ex-fiancee Ferretti, enraged
Sold his love-letter stash
To a tabloid for cash
But it won't print Di's words — scheme upstaged!
(April, 1998)
What went 5-6-5 quite recently?
A misdialed phone call on TV?
No, what 5-6-5 makes
Is how many Great Lakes
Congress thought, then rethought, there should be!
(March, 1998)
For a movie in which an old grunt
Finds a waitress who softens his front
And whose oneness with pets
Is as good as it gets
There were Oscars for Nicholson, Hunt!
(March, 1998)
Now the Pope, who has very old hips
Can't bend down, on arrival, on trips
But his urge to kiss ground
Has remained so profound
They instead raise the earth to his lips!
(March, 1998)
If you take out a home loan today
With a full thirty years to repay
You'll be owner in full
Just when gravity's pull
Sends a meteor crashing your way!
(March, 1998)
Said the March Hare to Alice, "More tea?" ...
"All move down, to make more cups dirtEE,"
Said the Hatter. "It's Carroll
Who is over a barrel —
He'll be left to wash dishes, not me!"
(March, 1998)
How should warnings be passively aired
During March? ... "Let the Ides be bewared"? —
Or "the Ides be beworn"?
You can see how I'm torn ...
.. Oh, excuse me, should I have said teared?
(March, 1998)
Now Catholic kids are complaining —
No candy in Lent to be training
For Easter's choc spree ...
Then they're sick, which to me
Proves no good ever came of abstaining!
(February, 1998)
NASA thinks that its rover on Mars
Beams back pictures of Mars rocks and spars ...
But the Mars government
Has had Tucsonscapes sent —
Or we'd learn Mars has houses and cars!
(February, 1998)
NASA thinks that its rover on Mars
Beams back pictures of Mars rocks and spars ...
But it intercepts free
Martian cable TV
Bringing Tucson to Mars VCRs!!
(February, 1998)
Once I heard a young valentine sing:
"I adore the red roses you bring
And your sweet serenade ...
But for kisses to trade
You must first buy a diamond ring!"!
(February, 1998)
If a one-ar star shines in his sky
Then Bill Clinton's a talkative guy ...
If a two-ar Starr shines
Then the White House declines
To say what might have happened, or why!
(February, 1998)
If they make Miss Lewinsky confess
That a navy blue, souvenir dress
For Bill Clinton she wore
Then Vice-President Gore
May quite soon be COMPLETELY vice-less!
(January, 1998)
Why on earth, after all their disputes
Are Fidel and the Pope in cahoots? ...
Ageing Castro, I guess
Has misdeeds to confess —
But is John Paul in need of cheroots?
(January, 1998)
© 1998
(*) indicates a first line
suggested by Toast Point
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