Limericks for 2024

For a bet on the date of a poll,
When your savings have gone, and your goal
Is to make a quick buck,
You may well be in luck
With a tip from a Downing Street mole!

(June, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 26th)
Story here

Said the Pope to a good hundred-odd
Of the world's top-comedian squad:
I am grateful to you
For the job that you do—
And it's fine to make jokes about God!

(June, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 19th)
Story here

The fight would produce, it was tooted,
An outcome to not be refuted ...
'I won it,' said Fury,
'You lost,' said the jury ...
The winner's still not undisputed!

(May, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 24th)
Story here

Politicians with jobs on the line
Claim they're not stepping down: they decline ...
Till the very next day,
When they brook no delay—
With immediate effect, they resign!

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 21st May)

Faith

 Faith in Tories and faith in the Lord
 Are on trial when Katie's ignored.
 In her firm Christian view,
'Turn the other cheek too'
 Has no merit like "Fall on your sword!"

(April, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 13th May)
Story here and here

Humza Yousaf, in last chance saloon,
Couldn't make the Greens dance to his tune
Or see any appeal
In the Alba crowd's deal,
And resigned from his post at high noon!

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 9th May)
Story here

"Though PM," mused Liz Truss," is no breeze,
It's a job I was itching to seize,
Till reversed by a hitch:
I was seized by an itch—
Number 10 is infested with fleas!"

(April, 2024)
Story here

Inert

If you're for Reform Party backing,
Neglect no response to their tracking:
Exemption from firing
Respects no expiring—
The wholly inert are for sacking!

(April, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 29th)
Story here

Aitch

A quizmaster's aitch variation
Irked viewers. He promised cessation.
That haitch on TV
Caused this paradox: He
Has aspired to have no aspiration!

(April, 2024; appeared in Light Poems of the Week on the 15th)
Story here

On longevity, you can get tips
From the world's oldest fella. He sips
Little booze, is inclined
To be active of mind—
And on Fridays devours fish and chips.

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 30th)
Story here

With the cocoa price under attack,
Chocoholics may have to cut back
On a mid-morning bite,
The dessert late at night
And their regular afternoon snack!

(March, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 9th April)
Story here

Carlos Alcaraz knows what is what
When he's playing an ace tennis shot.
But he's brought to his knees
When the balls become bees,
Since they're very much harder to swat!

(March, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 22nd)
Story here

"My get-well card will throw you a bone,"
Barked a dog to King Charles on his throne,
"Since you'll chuckle to see
How much worse it could be—
You at least are not wearing a cone!"

(February, 2024)
Story here

Rishi muses: why should I regret
Shaking hands with Piers M on a bet?
A mere handshake is not
Saying yes on the spot—
I meant only, hail fellow, well met!

(February, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 9th)
Story here

When triumph in Melbourne is Sinner's,
And India lose to our spinners,
While Maidstone are bound
For another Cup round,
It's a weekend for underdog winners!

(January, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 31st)

The gait of a penguin is mainly
Absurdly and plainly ungainly.
But if, when it's icy,
Your balance is dicey,
It saves you from hurting insanely!

(January, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 24th)
Story here

Idler

Is Custard unwell? No, the crazy
Dude's merely incredibly lazy—
Laid dead in his spot
Even though he is not
Ready yet to help push up a daisy!

(January, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 22nd)
Story here

© 2024
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