Limericks for 2021
North Shropshire was safe for a Tory
Till BoJo became the whole story.
Lib Dems loved each scandal
That he would mishandle
And profited from the furore!
(December, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 28th)
Story
here
An electric fence may deter herds.
Swiping left may deter a few nerds.
But the "squirrel-proof" type
Of bird feeder is hype—
The idea is just for the birds!
(December, 2021)
Story
here
Doctor's orders prescribe sober truth
For a monarch who's not in her youth:
They are forcing the Queen
Off her cocktail routine—
Daily gin with Dubonnet vermouth.
Empathetic Brits know it's unfair.
So in Waitrose they stripped the shelves bare
Of Dubonnet. Although
Their old Queen must forgo
It, her subjects can show that they care:
If Her Majesty's ritual nip
Is forbidden from passing her lip,
They—instead—must go clink
With the Queen's daily drink
As a duty of citizenship!
(November, 2021)
Story
here
"Now the ante on sleaze has been upped,
Since my U-turn appeared so abrupt"
BoJo sighed, "but despite
All that hides in plain sight,
The UK's not remotely corrupt!"
(November, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 23rd)
Story
here
Having drunk at the
last chance saloon,
Politicians still sing the same tune:
With our planet on fire,
The prognosis is dire,
So let's act—not today, maybe soon!
(November, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 16th)
Story
here
"There's a gourmet new Eco-design
To this old Aston Martin of mine—
I am running my car,"
Said Prince Charles, "From the bar
On a cocktail of cheese mixed with wine!"
(October, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 20th)
Story
here
British voters begin to ask why
There's a shortage of petrol to buy,
Though, with Boris in charge,
As the crisis looms large,
Gas will never be short in supply!
(October, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 8th)
Story
here
If the rain is not falling all day,
Late September's when bowlers make hay,
Catching balls off the bat—
Till the final howzat
Makes the trophy go Warwickshire's way!
(September, 2021)
Story
here
For Scots, strength is tossing a caber.
For others, it's rattling a sabre
Or putting up dukes
Or exploding big nukes—
But for Tories, it's stealing from Labour!
(September, 2021)
Story
here and
here
The ruckus from AUKUS was raucous,
When Aussies informed a French caucus:
You lie that we're lying—
We're simply not buying
The subs you were going to hawk us!
(September, 2021)
Story
here
Mused a young tennis wonder: I am
Not the winner of any Grand Slam.
But my brilliant streak
To this win is unique—
Had to qualify. Still won. Hot damn!
(September, 2021)
Story
here
Once the dish court would serve to a prince
Wasn't caviar, pheasant or quince
But des(s)erts on a tray—
So the prince rode away
And he hasn't been seen ever since!
(August, 2021)
Story
here
Though one from a street they call Downing
Is famous for prowess in clowning,
When clownish natation
Spiced up his staycation
It wasn't in laughs he was drowning!
(August, 2021)
Story
here
Said a big mama ape at the zoo:
For donating these shades, I thank you.
I have waited for years
To put these on my ears
To look cool when the public walks through!
(August, 2021)
Story
here
For developing Oxford's vaccine
In a bid to escape quarantine,
Sarah Gilbert's a Dame
Who has royal acclaim—
With a Barbie doll fit for a queen!
(August, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 10th)
Story
here
A stout windbag, leading his nation,
Required a police operation.
To seem no affronter,
Its first codename, Bunter,
Was scrapped—but replaced by Aeration!
(August, 2021)
Story
here
A swimmer remains undefeated,
His gold medal triumph repeated.
This rarest of doubles
Despite Covid bubbles
So thrilled him, he doubly expleted!
(July, 2021)
Story
here
For a memoir that's yet to be made,
A king's ransom will shortly be paid,
Since a prince and his wife
With expenses in life
Can't have royalty payments delayed!
(July, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on 6th August)
Story
here
"I wish either that I had obeyed
Social-distancing laws that I made,"
The health minister rued—
"Or that I could include
An exemption for trysts with my aide!"
(June, 2021)
Story
here
For the special-relationship clique,
Carbis Bay builds Joe Biden's physique
At the G-Seven meet
Of the western elite—
While poor Boris feels needy and weak!
(June, 2021)
Story
here
Though the price of a title has soared—
Half a million pounds for a Lord—
It's a new going rate
Boris Johnson's old mate,
Peter Cruddas, proves he can afford!
(June, 2021)
Story
here
Mused Prince Harry: 'The land of the free
Made free speech an enshrined guarantee.
With my oversized mic
I can spout what I like ...
Though I'm puzzled—it's bonkers to me!'
(May, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 21st)
Story
here
Now a doctor in darkest Peru
Will investigate if it is true
That medicinal bleach
Poured within Covid's reach
Works to kill it—or if it kills you!
(May, 2021)
Story
here
German bomb-decommissioning crews
Were called out by police to defuse
What a jogger portrayed
As a live hand grenade—
But the bomb was a sex toy. But whose?
(April, 2021)
Story
here
The beaver has such fine dentition
It's wise to obtain its permission
Before you run cable
Through its water table—
Or find it has cut your transmission!
(April, 2021)
Story
here
Down in Krakow a mystery beast
In a lilac tree once was released.
City dwellers were scared ...
But they need not have cared—
'Twas a croissant to make a birds' feast!
(April, 2021)
Story
here
Mused Prince Philip, I look at it thus:
A whole century isn't a plus
If it means that for me
There's a huge jubilee—
So I'll leave and avoid all the fuss!
(April, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 14th)
Story
here
An Aussie beach-goer's acquiral
Of welts from a furious spiral
Of octopus creature
Warned: Don't make me feature
In video set to go viral!
(April, 2021)
Story
here
IKEA no longer embraces
Solutions for filling tight spaces
Because Ever Given
Was so badly driven
The Suez Canal was in stasis!
(March, 2021)
Story
here
'What I ain't is a guy with restraint!'
Said Piers Morgan. 'You know I'm no saint:
Not PC, never woke
And I'm proud that I broke
Ofcom's record for calls of complaint!'
(March, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 23rd)
Story
here
After seventy years on the roost,
Birds can have a fertility boost.
For I once came across
Such an old albatross
Who went courting and then reproduced!
(March, 2021)
Story
here
In a video message, the Queen,
Who on jabs felt she must intervene,
Said: 'Don't think about you,
But of others. So do
Roll your sleeve up and get the vaccine!'
(February, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on 4th March)
Story
here
Perseverance touched down safe and sound
And is scouring the bare Martian ground
For a fossil or two
To convince me and you
That microbial life will be found!
(February, 2021)
Story
here
The title a pet will inherit
From living without health demerit
Through one full-length sloshing
Of home machine washing
Is World's Cleanest Living Pet Ferret!
(January, 2021)
Story
here
Museum of London have stated
The Trump Baby Blimp's been curated.
This orange-skinned chappie
With smartphone and nappy
Arrived in a suitcase, deflated!
(January, 2021)
Story
here
Said Rees-Mogg with Etonian sheen:
All my years of fine schooling should mean
I can speak for all fish
When I say their sole wish
Is their right to sing God Save the Queen!
(January, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 28th)
Story
here
Mused the Donald: New greatness I've reached.
With my whale-size economy beached,
I have done a swell job
Of inciting the mob
And I'm first to be doubly impeached!
(January, 2021; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 19th)
It's goodbye, Twenty Twenty! Be gone!
We're still running your siege marathon.
But we hope for a sign
That the finishing line
Won't keep moving as Covid drags on!
(January, 2021)
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