Limericks for 2000
Victor Borge once made tutors wince —
But he thrilled every audience since
With his musical wit
Till the last note was hit ...
Now farewell to piano's clown prince!
(December, 2000)
Now George Bush, I must tell you in rhyme
Is in Florida this Christmas time ...
There's a common belief
It's the norm for a thief
To return to the scene of the crime!
(December, 2000)
Gerald Ford and George Bush: kindred souls
So alike in their president's roles ...
They're the two living guys
To acquire the top prize
Despite not having won at the polls!
(December, 2000)
In fairness to Her Honor
Judge Sandra Day O'Connor:
She had to choose
Al Gore to lose —
Or Bush would be the goner!
(December, 2000)
Discounting political grudges
It must be by chance that the fudges
On equal protection
That stopped the election
Were penned by Republican judges
(December, 2000)
America anxiously waited
Nine justices hotly debated ...
Then made their decision
With such imprecision
That nobody knew what they'd stated!
(December, 2000)
Republican Katherine Harris
Can't blush, so she's hard to embarrass ...
The reason is simple:
She hides cheek and dimple
With lashings of plaster of Paris!
(November, 2000)
Says George Bush: Vote for me, it's a must
Such big government just isn't just
Trust the people instead ...
Now in votes I'm ahead ...
Let's machine-count—what folk can you trust?
(November, 2000)
Says George Bush: Vote for me, take a stand
And I promise the Feds will be banned
From deciding what you
In your home state can do —
Once we've banished vote counting by hand!
(November, 2000)
From the networks, here's news that will stun:
Gore has Florida—over and done ...
Now it's too close to call ...
Now George Bush has it all ...
Now we haven't a clue who has won!
(November, 2000)
Said two monks in Bangkok: Let us play
With a hat to conceal my toupee
While in bars I carouse
Who can know I took vows? ...
Now two jailbirds are heard: Let us pray!
(October, 2000)
D'ya know why Al Gore keeps campaigning
In Florida, where he's not gaining? ...
His managers plan
On less make-up, more tan
For debates—and so Al is in training!
(October, 2000)
Have you heard why George Bush has plans made
To support more Liberian aid? ...
'Cos no libery shelves
Can have books on themselves
If liberians cannot be paid!
(September, 2000)
Says George Bush: I'm an ethical guy
I insist my campaign doesn't lie
Or try spoiling Al's stats
With subliminal "rats" ...
I hereby do deny that 'twas I!
(September, 2000)
When George Bush to Dick Cheney declared:
"Can my thoughts on the press now be shared?"
Dick replied, "If you like
Though let's turn off the mike" ...
But too late—George's thoughts had been aired!
(September, 2000)
The royal Queen Mother in London
Who's honored for getting her "ton" done
Attributes long days
To her fun-loving ways —
And a gin ev'ry evenin' at sundoon!
(August, 2000)
In the land of kilts, sporrans and pipes:
What's that roar, as some guy putts and swipes
Nineteen strokes below par
To be golf's greatest star? ...
It's a Tiger who's earning his stripes!
(July, 2000)
I wonder, does Tom Penfield Jackson
Judge only through phonin' and faxin' ...
Or does this discuter
Have laptop computer
With Windows for tootin' his klaxon?
(June, 2000)
Departing life's stage is John Gielgud
His Hamlet made Shakespeare so feel-good ...
In roles of the Bard
'Twas most often he starred —
Though his butler in "Arthur" was real good!
(May, 2000)
The world didn't end in Ohio
Or here, on El Cinco de Mayo ...
Despite warnings dire
That the world would expire
It is still adding lines to its bio!
(May, 2000)
The Citadel's gender code glitches:
Reward male cadet if he snitches ...
Demote the top lassie
Who found his sauce sassy
And wiped off her shoes on his breeches!
(May, 2000)
Thought Elian, "While I was boating
The danger of sharks was I noting ...
But none did I see
Till I reached Mi-am-EE —
Now, wherever I look, they are gloating!"
(April, 2000)
While the candidates ran unopposed
Were late primaries' ills diagnosed:
This electoral hoax
Disenfranchises folks
Who can't vote till the outcome's disclosed!
(March, 2000)
Television for better or worse:
Multi-millionaire weds a nurse ...
But their honeymoon cruise
Couldn't light any fuse —
And so she keeps her love, he his purse!
(February, 2000)
When Afghans find freedoms beguile 'em
They hope that some hijackers pile 'em
Aboard a jet vessel
Whose pilot won't wrestle —
But fly to the West for asylum!
(February, 2000)
Republican candidates Bauer
And Bush offer smirks and a glower
While Forbes and McCain
Offer faces that strain
To show smiles that are fitting for power!
(January, 2000)
Bill Bradley, Bill Bradley, Bill Bradley
You seem to be polling so badly
This primary season ...
Pray, what is the reason? —
We'd vote you for president gladly!
(January, 2000)
If Schrödinger's cat's leaps are quantum
Observe we an off- or an on-tom? ...
To leave's to arrive:
He's both dead and alive —
In two places at once, if you want 'em!
(January, 2000)
For some thieves, Y2K went to plan —
Drowned by noise as the New Year began
With a revelous bash ...
A glass roof did they smash
To escape with a precious Cezanne!
(January, 2000: The picture, worth £ 3,000,000, was
stolen from the Ashmolean Museum in
Oxford.)
Two thousand, two thousand, two thousan'
The whole world wide over carousin' ...
This ain't just New Year
Or New Century here —
'Cos the third New Millenium now's in!
(January, 2000)
© 2000
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