In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories (except Utah, which she does not fancy) Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To
aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "u" will be
reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour" skipping the letter
"u" is nothing less than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love affair with the letter "z" (pronounced zed not zee) and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the
suffix "burgh" is pronounced burra; e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter "z" and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen,
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game that is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards
or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered "fries" while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut
and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer,
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as
American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose
product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon) - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear - as
in "clear" - NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a
great day