Limericks for 2018
When your team knows not how to defend
And a goal's going in at your end ...
Till a dog barks, "It's mine!"
And then clears off the line—
Then a dog is your keeper's best friend!
(December, 2018)
Story
here
Once a Dutchman and Scot played their parts
In a match where they aimed to throw darts
But now both stand accused
For the tactics they used ...
'Cos each claims that the other threw fits!
(November, 2018)
Story
here
Once a kilo of platinum shrank
So its worth as a weight standard sank
And what can't be restored
Must get thrown overboard ...
So that kilogram's walking the Planck!
(November, 2018)
Story
here
When a world record pearl price is set
Does it mean that the pearl's worth the debt? ...
Or the buyer instead
Simply losing their head
For the sake of Marie Antoinette?!
(November, 2018)
Story
here
Mused the Donald, in Paris: I fret
How I'd look if my hairpiece got wet
So to honor the slain
Can't be done in the rain—
Let some troops go, lest e'er we forget!
(November, 2018)
Story
here
Said the Donald: For truth, I'm your man
'Cos to tell you what's truth is my plan
But as hard as I tries
What comes out is all lies ...
Though I do tell the truth when I can!
(November, 2018)
Story
here
In Vermont once, two candidates met
To debate issues fiercely, and yet
Though each fought hard to win
No hard feelings crept in ...
'Cos to finish they sang a duet!
(October, 2018)
Story
here
A Belgian whom thieves once invaded
Said: "Sorry my funds are degraded
Your cash needs I'll cater
If you return later" ...
They did—and by cops got paraded!
(October, 2018)
Story
here
There was once an unwell teddy bear
Diagnosed with an underarm tear ...
But he's no more in pain
'Cos his wound did obtain
The most expert of medical care!
(October, 2018)
Story
here
Once a racehorse whose thirst was the worst
Found a sports bar and into it burst
And you'd honestly think
That they'd pour her a drink ...
Not vamoose, and just leave her athirst!
(October, 2018)
Story
here
There are statues of soldiers, a mile
And parades for sports heroes, a pile ...
But the honors mean most
When they're both used to toast
A delivery guy with a smile!
(September, 2018)
Story
here
A guy who keeps winning at poker
Election-wise, keeps going broker ...
When asked to explain
Why he's lost yet again
He replies: I keep playing the joker!
(September, 2018)
Story
here
Once a mountain in Wales had to die
And be born as a hill. Why? Why? Why?
'Cos the reason, I know
Ain't the top is too low—
But the bottom's just five feet too high!
(August, 2018)
Story
here
A fugitive caused great suspicion
Disturbing some bovines' nutrition ...
They chased her to gating
At which cops were waiting—
Thus cowing her into submission!
(August, 2018)
Story
here
Said a "zebra" on view at a zoo
As its stripes had begun to unglue:
"No, a zebra I ain't—
Don't be fooled by my paint ...
Or the zoo makes an ass of you too!"
(July, 2018)
Story
here
Down at Chequers I once heard a chair
Sigh "The burdens I bear don't compare:
Under Churchill, the weight
Of his greatness felt great ...
Under Trump, I just groan with despair!"
(July, 2018)
Story
here
If a chimp prone to skimp is a chump
And a gramp feeling damp is a grump ...
Here's a question that I
Am inclined to let fly:
Should a blimp Baby Trump be the Blump?
(July, 2018)
Story
here
Once a potter cartooning mug scenes
Sought to power all Tesla machines
Not with battery parts
Where a fire often starts
But by feeding his unicorns beans!
(June, 2018)
Story
here
Politician Jacinda Ardern
Had a bump the whole world could discern ...
Now her bump's in the polls
As she juggles the roles
Of a mom and state leader in turn!
(June, 2018)
Story
here
Scaling walls ninety-three metres tall
Doesn't faze a raccoon in St. Paul
As she climbs on all fours
She just blithely ignores
There are twenty-five storeys to fall!
(June, 2018)
Story
here
I once heard a crayfish in China
Howl "Cursed be your menu designer!" ...
And then what I saw
Is it pulled off its claw
And escaped getting boiled for a diner!
(June, 2018)
Story
here
For a fire-service job to be got
You can mail your CV and what-not ...
Or just scale a high wall
Save a child from a fall
And be offered a job on the spot!
(May, 2018)
Story
here
'T ain't news that bad grammar's a feature
Of wot Trump replied to a teacher ...
'Tis long common knowledge
Despite years in college
The Donald's no literate creature!
(May, 2018)
Story
here
That great Taj Mahal was once purty
They say, back around sixteen-thirty ...
But now! Have you seen it?
They use mud to clean it—
No wonder it's looking so dirty!
(May, 2018)
Story
here
The bookies predicted the newie
Would get first name Arthur but ... phooey!
No Brexit ordainers
They voted Remainers—
The new baby royal's Prince Louis!
(April, 2018)
Story
here
Said Prince Charles, in a skirt made of sheaf:
Budgie smugglers are now all too brief ...
Quite unlike my long wait
To become Head of State—
So today I will settle for Chief!
(April, 2018)
Story
here
Now for almost a hundred long years
Has Good Friday been Dry Day for beers
In the great Irish pub ...
But this Easter in Dub-
lin and Galway the Irish say "Cheers!"
(March, 2018)
Story
here
Once a leprechaun seeking pure gold
Found some bars in an aeroplane's hold
But the gold was debased
By a silvery waste—
So he dumped it all out in the cold!
(March, 2018)
Story
here
A world-famous Cambridge professor
Of genius was a possessor
On time and things stellar
He wrote a best seller—
Whose readership may be much lesser!
(March, 2018)
Story
here
There once was a plaintiff called Stormy
Who said: Mr. Trump can't ignore me—
There's no non-disclosure
To hide his exposure
The moment the justice rules for me!
(March, 2018)
Story
here
Two-millenia-old was a thumb
That got nabbed from a grand mus-e-um ...
Was that thief never taught
If you'd fain not be caught—
Then a warrior selfie is dumb?!
(February, 2018)
Story
here
From Norway there once was a skier
So good, he could crash on his re-ar
Be made the last placer ...
And yet this great racer
Could still win the gold in Korea!
(February, 2018)
Story
here
A groundhog did stop hibernating
And see his own shadow awaiting ...
Now rumours have mounted
Six weeks will be counted
Before we see winter abating!
(February, 2018)
Story
here
Once a glossy called Vanity Fair
Showed a cover with limbs that aren't there:
Next to Oprah's third hand
Did Reese Witherspoon stand—
On a leg that is clearly a spare!
(January, 2018)
Story
here
A butcher once trapped in a freezer
Feels lucky he's not a dead geezer ...
This lifelong meat whacker
Became a safe-cracker
By being a black-pudding seizer!
(January, 2018)
Story
here
© 2018. All rights reserved.
To return to the top of the page, click here.