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Bristol Fashion Bristolians aren't sure what they should do, Regarding Colston's statue in their town— If he should be restored for public view, Ship-shape and Bristol fashion, or stay down. The range of views expressed is very wide: Old fogeys want him upright, in good name, Left-leaners want him toppled on his side, Forever daubed with paint to mark his shame, And some would dump him back at sea. I say: Set Colston on a spindle, and rotate Him clock-like by the sea, so half his day Is spent submerged, yet twice a day his pate Obtains top spot, as briefly he stands tall— Now surely that's a compromise for all! (Prompted by this article and first published in the Winter 2021 issue of Rat's Ass Review) |
A Tinkle For A Cow A scientist from Auckland is gung-ho To potty-train young cows. This pioneer Is not your rocket scientist, although Nitrogenous exhaust fires his career! ... Kept locked in their latrine till they can go, Lashed hard with H2O if they can't wait, Enticed by treacle treats to mind their flow, Forbearing cows soon learn to micturate On artificial grass in their Moo Loo— Research shows human toddlers aren't as quick At learning where to pee! But pee's not poo. Can Holstein heifers learn the second trick? ... Our prof now dreams of future episodes— When pastured cows use only field commodes! (Prompted by this article and first published in Light on September 20, 2021 as one of the Poems of the Week) |
Cash For Honours Charles, Prince of Wales, is known as squeaky clean. Aristocratic whiffs of scandal stay So far removed from him as from the Queen Herself—a royal country mile away From him! This future royal figurehead Of Britain, who excels at small talk, yet Remembers nothing anybody said, Has prospered from his proneness to forget: One wonders how he met the head of Burke's Nine times, yet has no knowledge from his chats Of Cash For Honours ... That's just how it works— Untitled wannabe aristocrats Remit donations to the Prince's Fund So secretly, when he finds out, he's stunned! (Prompted by this article and first published in the Creativity Webzine on November 30, 2021) |
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Playing Footsie Pronounce F T S E the Footsie way, Lest others think you're too naive to trade— Although, as Fur Topped Stock Exchange, you may Yet stupefy them with the gains you've made! In Germany, a hamster, Mr. Goxx, Negotiates his treadmill like a chess Grand master, moving pieces of his stocks From here to there to rival the success Of Footsie and the Dow. By racing through Opposing tunnels, he can buy or sell The cryptocurrency whose trade is due So expertly, he makes his holdings swell ... It makes you ask why Wall Street bank elites Earn such high pay—for trades a hamster beats! (Prompted by this article and first published in the New Verse News on October 17, 2021) |
Wild Goose Chase With too few drivers for an HGV In England, after Brexit curbed supply, Lines stretching farther than the eye could see Developed near where petrol pumps ran dry ... Great Britain's fuel crisis spurred an act Of desperation: twenty drivers chased One tanker, having failed to check a fact So pertinent to what they later faced ... Excited not at forecourts to have queued, Convinced they'd fill their tanks, instead they got Humiliated: they had all pursued A mortar tanker till their tanks were not So very far from empty on the road— Expletives, though, by contrast overflowed! (Prompted by this article and first published in MONO. on November 25, 2021) |
I Can't Get Me A Cow I learned from Dad why bull elks prance and strut Come fall, when cows, he said, exude desire And competition for them in the rut Necessitates a plentiful spare tire! The tire I found two years ago, a spare, Got stuck around my neck. I felt content: Elk suitors need spare tires, and mine was there! Then Dad explained it wasn't what he'd meant. Months later, some do-gooder ranger crew Expunged my tire, but still I can't get me A cow—this crew expunged my antlers too! ... Come fall next year, a true spare tire will be Observed on me. My dad has set me straight— With new-grown antlers, I'll get me a mate! (Prompted by this article and first published in the Creativity Webzine on October 31, 2021) |