Limericks for 2024

Royal protocol meant not a lot,
When Black Ferns put King Charles on the spot.
In a video shot,
You heard 'Hug?' and 'Why not!'
But a scrum was the hug that he got!

(September, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 19th)
Story here

Augur

A columnist's words were unheeded,
Until demolition proceeded:
Glad, augured this writer,
U, Z Gen, were brighter—
Removing the columns not needed!

(August, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 9th September)
Story here

From Keir Starmer, the message is terse:
There's a hole in the Treasury's purse.
Is it old? Is it new?
Either way, things are due
To, before they get better, get worse!

(August, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 11th September)
Story here

Though my wife's in a rage, mused Jermaine,
I believe that her anger will wane.
But my dog's looking so
Disappointed, I know
It will never get over the pain!

(August, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 6th September)
Story here

Andy M

Andy Murray's a legend. This Brit's
Never recognized calling it quits.
Down is out? Not at all ...
Yet events cast their Paul:
Murray's had to retire on the Fritz!

(August, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 19th)
Story here

A spectacular opening bash
On the Seine had been planned, with panache,
'Til it poured on the day ...
But detractors can't say
That the Games didn't start with a splash!

(July, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 6th August)
Story here

 Cheek

 College student with chutzpah from Crowle:
'Hesitation means loss in this role.
 Even kids can explain
 England losing to Spain:
 Kane was started—it should have been Cole!'

 (July, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 12th August)
 Story here and here

'If the Lord, the Almighty, sees fit
To convince me to go, I submit—
But no woman or man
In America can,'
Joe had said ... on a Sunday, he quit.

(July, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 25th)
Story here and here

Gareth Southgate has managed his last
Game for England. The baton is passed.
He has weathered some loss
In his time as the boss,
But not once has the man been outclassed!

(July, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 26th)
Story here

Trump

That doddery dude with the stammer
Rehearsed for a week in the crammer.
Unforced was his error:
My un-rehearsed terror
Prevailed—he's who I got to hammer!

(June, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 8th July)
Story here and here

Biden

Bow out? Not a chance. Stop denying,
If barely, my flag is still flying.
Don't cave—or we'll suffer
Electing that duffer
Named Donald who's constantly lying!

(June, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 8th July)
Story here and here

Drama

Dramatics by amateur players,
Rehearsing a bloodthirsty slayer's
Attack, drew this team's
Most professional screams—
And a visit from crime scene surveyors!

(June, 2024)
Story here

For a bet on the date of a poll,
When your savings have gone, and your goal
Is to make a quick buck,
You may well be in luck
With a tip from a Downing Street mole!

(June, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 26th)
Story here

Said the Pope to a good hundred-odd
Of the world's top-comedian squad:
I am grateful to you
For the job that you do—
And it's fine to make jokes about God!

(June, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 19th)
Story here

In Paris, the censors were bleeping
Some language, as players were keeping
A vigil on court
That was half an hour short
Of five hours—when they should have been sleeping!

(2nd June, 2024)
Story here

The fight would produce, it was tooted,
An outcome to not be refuted ...
'I won it,' said Fury,
'You lost,' said the jury ...
The winner's still not undisputed!

(May, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 24th)
Story here

Plato

Philosophers praised as undying,
Like I am, need more edifying
And rhythmical airs
Than these peasant affairs
Off the farm—which I seem to be buying!

(April, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 24th June,
with a later variant in Lighten Up Online on 1st September)
Story here

Politicians with jobs on the line
Claim they're not stepping down: they decline ...
Till the very next day,
When they brook no delay—
With immediate effect, they resign!

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 21st May)

Faith

 Faith in Tories and faith in the Lord
 Are on trial when Katie's ignored.
 In her firm Christian view,
'Turn the other cheek too'
 Has no merit like "Fall on your sword!"

(April, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 13th May)
Story here and here

Humza Yousaf, in last chance saloon,
Couldn't make the Greens dance to his tune
Or see any appeal
In the Alba crowd's deal,
And resigned from his post at high noon!

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 9th May)
Story here

"Though PM," mused Liz Truss," is no breeze,
It's a job I was itching to seize,
Till reversed by a hitch:
I was seized by an itch—
Number 10 is infested with fleas!"

(April, 2024)
Story here

Inert

If you're for Reform Party backing,
Neglect no response to their tracking:
Exemption from firing
Respects no expiring—
The wholly inert are for sacking!

(April, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 29th)
Story here

Aitch

A quizmaster's aitch variation
Irked viewers. He promised cessation.
That haitch on TV
Caused this paradox: He
Has aspired to have no aspiration!

(April, 2024; appeared in Light Poems of the Week on the 15th)
Story here

On longevity, you can get tips
From the world's oldest fella. He sips
Little booze, is inclined
To be active of mind—
And on Fridays devours fish and chips.

(April, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 30th)
Story here

With the cocoa price under attack,
Chocoholics may have to cut back
On a mid-morning bite,
The dessert late at night
And their regular afternoon snack!

(March, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on 9th April)
Story here

Carlos Alcaraz knows what is what
When he's playing an ace tennis shot.
But he's brought to his knees
When the balls become bees,
Since they're very much harder to swat!

(March, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 22nd)
Story here

"My get-well card will throw you a bone,"
Barked a dog to King Charles on his throne,
"Since you'll chuckle to see
How much worse it could be—
You at least are not wearing a cone!"

(February, 2024)
Story here

Rishi muses: why should I regret
Shaking hands with Piers M on a bet?
A mere handshake is not
Saying yes on the spot—
I meant only, hail fellow, well met!

(February, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 9th)
Story here

When triumph in Melbourne is Sinner's,
And India lose to our spinners,
While Maidstone are bound
For another Cup round,
It's a weekend for underdog winners!

(January, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 31st)

The gait of a penguin is mainly
Absurdly and plainly ungainly.
But if, when it's icy,
Your balance is dicey,
It saves you from hurting insanely!

(January, 2024; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 24th)
Story here

Idler

Is Custard unwell? No, the crazy
Dude's merely incredibly lazy—
Laid dead in his spot
Even though he is not
Ready yet to help push up a daisy!

(January, 2024; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 22nd)
Story here

© 2024
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